What In the Hell Are You So Happy About?

9 Aug

I’m constantly surrounded by happy people.  They are super annoying with their fixed smiles and incessant laughter.  I sound like a miserly curmudgeon but I swear I’m not.  I have happy moments.  Sure they are fleeting and are few and far between but I’m not a constant grouch.  It’s just that they seem to be happy ALL the time!  No one can be happy ALL the time unless they are intoxicated or medicated.

I’m guessing it has more to do with their age.  Most of them are in their early twenties and have not experienced the harshness and cruelty of the world.  They have not lived long enough to encounter the numerous disappointments Life offers up on  a daily basis.  They are completely ignorant of certain realities and swimming in the sublime bliss of that ignorance.  That’s not such a bad thing.  Ah, to be young and dumb again.  If I knew then, what I knew now I’d be depressed as hell.  Stay naive as long as you can because you can never “un-know” certain truths about the “real” world after you learn them.

Everyone has their own experiences with the “real” world and what is one person’s reality can be completely different than another person’s reality.

My reality has taught me that Life can be a sadistic twisted bitch.  Things can be going okay for a bit and then before you know it something bad will inevitably happen.  It’s like it’s almost a bad thing if things are too good for too long.  Or things can already be going bad and Life says, “Yeah, let’s make it worse and see what happens.”  And when you are laying on the floor at rock bottom crying your eyes out, thinking things couldn’t possibly get any worse, praying for help, Life throws some more shit on you just for fun.  Yes children, welcome to Life, where you experience one long disappointment after another.  Here are some pills and razor blades just in case.

If you’re like me, you get to those moments where you think you just can’t go on. You think it’s all hopeless and unfair.  When you’re not flooded with sadness, you’re seething with anger or locked up in despair.  Time passes on and despondency and bitterness move into your heart and blacken it a bit if not a lot. Some more time passes, and if you’re fortunate as I was you find a way to move forward again.  I can’t explain it.  You just kinda find your own way.  Life is moving on with or without you because Life is indifferent to your suffering. You can stay in the shit or get up and go.  It might take you awhile to get back up, or even years, but somehow, some way you do.  Something happens which helps you or someone comes along to help you.  Or you just decide to start crawling out from all the shit Life has thrown on you and before you know it you’re walking again even daring to dream and hope again.

Sometimes I wish someone would have told me that Life was going to be difficult and disappointing.  No one warned me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have believed them in my ignorant heyday but when things got tough I would’ve remembered, “Oh right, someone said this may happen.”  Perhaps I would have been more resilient and not have ended up so heartbroken all the time.  Too much heartbreak changes a person and not necessarily for the better.  Some kind of warning would have been nice:  “Hey.  Life is not going to go as you planned. A lot of your dreams are not going to come true.  Many prayers won’t be answered.  And at times you will hurt like you never hurt before.”  I think a little heads up would have prepared me better for what was to come.  I might have been a bit better.  But who knows, right?  Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.  I can’t change the past so dwelling on it is pointless.

As sweet as Life can be at times it can also be cruel.  As quickly as it gives, it takes away.  In a single breath good can turn into bad.  Be aware.  Life isn’t necessarily going to give you happy moments, but opportunities will pop up which may lead to happy moments and you will have to decide whether or not to seize them for yourself.

I’m more skeptical now.  I’m a lot more guarded.  I’m not as big of a dreamer I once was.  I look at the stars and am less likely to wish on them now – I miss that part of me.  I don’t believe positive affirmations and asinine axioms are for everyone.  I do expect good but am certainly not surprised by the bad stuff anymore.  When the bad moments come along, I say, “Yeah that’s about right…or about time.”  I try not to stay deflated too long but it’s hard at times.  The bruised and broken heart never really heals completely.  The scars serve as reminders – Stay ambitious and go after what you want but if you don’t get it don’t let disappointment kill you.  The hurt can make you bitter or make you stronger or a little bit of both but don’t let it defeat you.  I keep a shorter leash on my dreams but I do still dare to dream.  Having a dream and going after it is a courageous act and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

I do have one wish.  I know, being happy all the time is impossible.  No one can be happy all the time.  That’s not realistic.  But I would like to be content on a consistent basis.  I want to be satisfied with who I am and what I have – nothing more, nothing less.  I want to wake up feeling at ease with my life.  I want to believe this kind of happiness can be real for me.  I would like that to be my reality.  I’m frustrated, impatient, and tired but I’m still standing ready to seize the opportunity.  Come on already!

In the meantime, I’ll laugh at Life.

one sec

Love Will Find Me Eventually

28 May

Love Will Find Me

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Little Jackie – Love Will Find Me:  http://youtu.be/tvkyqXMpOok

Beautiful Chaos

24 Mar

Sometimes it’s hard to articulate all that beautiful chaos properly.

What I think and What I Say

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Me Time

24 Mar

How do you let go of your dreams?

22 Dec

My dear friend,

I’ve had several dreams crushed as everyone has and it’s heart breaking every single time.  The hardest thing to accept is that some dreams just aren’t meant to be.  And I know that is the last thing you want to hear when you are looking down at all the broken pieces.  You built up something wonderful in your head and housed it in your heart and waited to see it come to fruition for the longest time.  Your dream was a sacred part of you.  It was already real even though it was not yet in reality.

When something happens that destroys the dream, it can be physically and emotionally painful.  The hurt is real and the pain is unbearable.  Those broken dreams deserve to be mourned so sadness is completely normal and acceptable.  I wrote a poem about it entitled, Where Do Dreams Go to Die to help me get through my grief.  Find a way to mourn that works best for you.  Engage in some creative activity like writing or drawing, talk to a trusted friend, light a candle, etc.  I used flying wish paper as well to help symbolically let my dream go.  But time was the biggest healer.  Distance from the painful event somehow helps the heart move forward even in its battered state.  And there will come a time when it will be ready to begin to dream again.

My head was hesitant to start over and dream again for fear of more pain and disappointment but my heart started making plans and imagining new possibilities.  I never thought I would get to this point but there I was preparing for a new adventure.  After the many months of sadness and despair, I started to feel hopeful again.

I think the main thing I’ve come to know is that we let go of old dreams by imagining new dreams.  When your heart is ready to dream again, let it take you down a new path.  Dreams change over time and before you know it they turn into even better dreams.  It can be fun to dream bigger or reignite old dreams from years ago.  What did you always want to do but didn’t because something happened that detoured you?  What did you not do because you were too afraid?

So it is possible to let go and move forward and with time it will become better.

Good journey.

Shine On

25 Jun

The well-known sparkle in the eye

Speaks of beauty all around

Jubilant over every new venture

There is nothing that can keep it down

The day turns to night

And the night bleeds into day

Moments constrict

Time becomes dense

The shine loses itself in the shadows

From where I now sit

I can say this with sincere wit

It is good the twinkling gaze knows nothing

Of tomorrow’s woes

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Forever Free

20 Apr

There is nothing.

The nothing I wanted to believe in is just in fact nothing.

It is just me who exists.

Whatever is after death has to be better than this.

I want to fly to that place now.

It has come to this.

I do not want to wake after slumber.

I long to leave this insufferable land behind.

Such dark thoughts are not meant to be divulged.

This dismal dwelling is all I have ever known.

Endless cycles from tolerable to worse.

Keep your lies to yourself.

Better has never come.

Living intertwined is no way to live.

I am done with this sadness.

I am over the suffering.

I am finished with pain.

Let me go to the place where I am forever free.

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Beautiful Sorrow

19 Feb

I let my heart weep for it is broken

The tears will fall where they may

Pain sweetly caresses the hopeless hand

As despair entertains the one track mind

All I see are the scattered pieces of what once was

And they are sparkling in their shattered state

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Not Again!

18 Feb

No. No. No.
Butterflies fly away.
Heart, slow your rapid pace.
Now is not the time
Because I’ve chosen another way.
High hopes please come down.
Imagination surrender your whimsical gaze.
Not Now. Not Tomorrow. Not Ever.
Let me continue on my way.

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Holding My Broken Pieces

28 Dec

She cleared away the rubble

And picked up her broken heart.

She stepped back from the pain

That coldly tore her apart.

Still weakened from the loss,

Still wiping the tears away,

Her broken heart still hopeful

She will find happiness one day.

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