What Does it Feel Like to Be Happy?

23 Oct

I lie here and wonder what authentic happiness feels like.

Do you know?

What does it feel like to be truly happy without having despair or sadness lurking in the background?

A night out with friends, a fulfilling work day, or a laugh with a family member all instigate moments of happiness but when the moment is over so is the contentment.

Sure, I get happy when I hear good news but that kind of happiness fades.

When I decide to have a great day, the day turns out pretty well for the most part most of the time.

But there is something that bothers me about having to choose to be a certain way instead of just allowing the feeling or state of mind to wash over me without force. That must be why I detest hearing, “Choose or decide on being happy now.” Sometimes, I wonder if people really know what they are talking about or if they are just repeating some inane phrase to sound important.

I was in a perfectly good mood today and still “happy” from finding out I aced a difficult midterm. And all of a sudden without provocation I am hit with despondency. It snatched me from my “happy” state and engulfed me immediately.

Then, I was lost in a place called sorrow.

Every memory involving loss, suffering, and pain played in my head like a movie projected on a screen. I know these three all too well. All I wanted to forget and all I wanted to let go of suddenly had an unrelenting grip on my heart. I was breathing my agony in and out of me and I wanted to suffocate it but that would only smother me. There was nothing to do except sink into nothingness.

I am still here but I do want to know…

Disregarding the usual ups and downs in life, is sustained happiness a reality or even a possibility?

What does it feel like to be genuinely happy?

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