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What In the Hell Are You So Happy About?

9 Aug

I’m constantly surrounded by happy people.  They are super annoying with their fixed smiles and incessant laughter.  I sound like a miserly curmudgeon but I swear I’m not.  I have happy moments.  Sure they are fleeting and are few and far between but I’m not a constant grouch.  It’s just that they seem to be happy ALL the time!  No one can be happy ALL the time unless they are intoxicated or medicated.

I’m guessing it has more to do with their age.  Most of them are in their early twenties and have not experienced the harshness and cruelty of the world.  They have not lived long enough to encounter the numerous disappointments Life offers up on  a daily basis.  They are completely ignorant of certain realities and swimming in the sublime bliss of that ignorance.  That’s not such a bad thing.  Ah, to be young and dumb again.  If I knew then, what I knew now I’d be depressed as hell.  Stay naive as long as you can because you can never “un-know” certain truths about the “real” world after you learn them.

Everyone has their own experiences with the “real” world and what is one person’s reality can be completely different than another person’s reality.

My reality has taught me that Life can be a sadistic twisted bitch.  Things can be going okay for a bit and then before you know it something bad will inevitably happen.  It’s like it’s almost a bad thing if things are too good for too long.  Or things can already be going bad and Life says, “Yeah, let’s make it worse and see what happens.”  And when you are laying on the floor at rock bottom crying your eyes out, thinking things couldn’t possibly get any worse, praying for help, Life throws some more shit on you just for fun.  Yes children, welcome to Life, where you experience one long disappointment after another.  Here are some pills and razor blades just in case.

If you’re like me, you get to those moments where you think you just can’t go on. You think it’s all hopeless and unfair.  When you’re not flooded with sadness, you’re seething with anger or locked up in despair.  Time passes on and despondency and bitterness move into your heart and blacken it a bit if not a lot. Some more time passes, and if you’re fortunate as I was you find a way to move forward again.  I can’t explain it.  You just kinda find your own way.  Life is moving on with or without you because Life is indifferent to your suffering. You can stay in the shit or get up and go.  It might take you awhile to get back up, or even years, but somehow, some way you do.  Something happens which helps you or someone comes along to help you.  Or you just decide to start crawling out from all the shit Life has thrown on you and before you know it you’re walking again even daring to dream and hope again.

Sometimes I wish someone would have told me that Life was going to be difficult and disappointing.  No one warned me.  Maybe I wouldn’t have believed them in my ignorant heyday but when things got tough I would’ve remembered, “Oh right, someone said this may happen.”  Perhaps I would have been more resilient and not have ended up so heartbroken all the time.  Too much heartbreak changes a person and not necessarily for the better.  Some kind of warning would have been nice:  “Hey.  Life is not going to go as you planned. A lot of your dreams are not going to come true.  Many prayers won’t be answered.  And at times you will hurt like you never hurt before.”  I think a little heads up would have prepared me better for what was to come.  I might have been a bit better.  But who knows, right?  Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda.  I can’t change the past so dwelling on it is pointless.

As sweet as Life can be at times it can also be cruel.  As quickly as it gives, it takes away.  In a single breath good can turn into bad.  Be aware.  Life isn’t necessarily going to give you happy moments, but opportunities will pop up which may lead to happy moments and you will have to decide whether or not to seize them for yourself.

I’m more skeptical now.  I’m a lot more guarded.  I’m not as big of a dreamer I once was.  I look at the stars and am less likely to wish on them now – I miss that part of me.  I don’t believe positive affirmations and asinine axioms are for everyone.  I do expect good but am certainly not surprised by the bad stuff anymore.  When the bad moments come along, I say, “Yeah that’s about right…or about time.”  I try not to stay deflated too long but it’s hard at times.  The bruised and broken heart never really heals completely.  The scars serve as reminders – Stay ambitious and go after what you want but if you don’t get it don’t let disappointment kill you.  The hurt can make you bitter or make you stronger or a little bit of both but don’t let it defeat you.  I keep a shorter leash on my dreams but I do still dare to dream.  Having a dream and going after it is a courageous act and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

I do have one wish.  I know, being happy all the time is impossible.  No one can be happy all the time.  That’s not realistic.  But I would like to be content on a consistent basis.  I want to be satisfied with who I am and what I have – nothing more, nothing less.  I want to wake up feeling at ease with my life.  I want to believe this kind of happiness can be real for me.  I would like that to be my reality.  I’m frustrated, impatient, and tired but I’m still standing ready to seize the opportunity.  Come on already!

In the meantime, I’ll laugh at Life.

one sec

Love Will Find Me Eventually

28 May

Love Will Find Me


Little Jackie – Love Will Find Me:

Beautiful Chaos

24 Mar

Sometimes it’s hard to articulate all that beautiful chaos properly.

What I think and What I Say


Me Time

24 Mar

Forever Free

20 Apr

There is nothing.

The nothing I wanted to believe in is just in fact nothing.

It is just me who exists.

Whatever is after death has to be better than this.

I want to fly to that place now.

It has come to this.

I do not want to wake after slumber.

I long to leave this insufferable land behind.

Such dark thoughts are not meant to be divulged.

This dismal dwelling is all I have ever known.

Endless cycles from tolerable to worse.

Keep your lies to yourself.

Better has never come.

Living intertwined is no way to live.

I am done with this sadness.

I am over the suffering.

I am finished with pain.

Let me go to the place where I am forever free.


Go Out and Find Your Own Happiness

26 Dec

Many people say that true happiness lies within but I do not think that statement is entirely accurate.  I have looked and looked and looked.  I have searched beneath the rubble of heartache, through the debris of despair, and down into the depths of my tears.  Happiness was nowhere to be found.

Whatever helped me to become happy, once upon a time, has since gone.  It has been gone so long that I do not recollect what it was.  It seems like happiness crept away in the middle of the night as I was dreaming away.

I kept torturing myself, even blaming myself, because I could not find my happiness.  All the experts say you cannot find happiness outside of yourself if at first you don’t have it within.  I think they say the same thing about love.  They say that about a lot of things.  I have come to think they say a lot of things because they know so little.  That’s what people do when they don’t know; they talk incessantly as to appear enlightened.  They talk not realizing that half of what they say makes little sense.  I believe it is more enlightened to say I don’t know.  At least that response is honest and embraces humility.

What are the qualifications to become an expert on happiness anyway?  Or even life?  Say someone learns something new, accepts it without question, and then speaks of it as the ultimate truth and encourages others to do the same.  Is that not senseless?  I feel there is too much generalizing of concepts going on in the self-improvement sphere.  The individual’s needs are getting lost.

I have concluded that their way is not the only way.  It may work for them and some others but it does not work for me.  And what is right for everyone else doesn’t necessarily make it right for me.  I must find my way by finding a path of my own.  The first thing I have decided it is to disregard the idea of a quintessential fairytale happy ending.  Instead, I have decided it is best to focus on a happy beginning.

As far as happiness is concerned, well, at this point I believe we go out and find what makes us happy.  We find the “thing” we are looking for and then it is no longer a “thing.”  It becomes an entity all its own which is filled with life.   We breathe love into it and what we find becomes a part of us.  Happiness then fills us up and resides within our hearts.

I am not an expert but I am an expert on me and this feels good to me.  So, I say venture outside yourself and find what makes you happy.  And when you find it, keep it close to your heart so happiness becomes you.  And then, happiness really will lie within you for as long as you allow it to stay or until it is time to move on.


Happily Ever What?

8 Nov

The movie, The Switch, started with a perspective steeped in authenticity.

“Look at us, running around.  Always rushed, always late.  I guess that’s why they call it the human race.  What we crave most in this world is connection.  For some people it happens at first site.  It’s when you know you know.  It’s fate working its magic.  And that’s great for them.  They get to live in a pop song; ride the express train.  But that’s not the way it really works.  For the rest of us, it’s a bit less romantic.  It’s complicated.  It’s messy.  It’s about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities.  And not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it.  At least, that’s the way it was for me.”

It is a sentiment many people feel and can relate to.  The Rom-Com movie is okay but whenever watching a movie I find myself listening for the  inspirational tidbits that help bring comfort to my soul.  I look for a connection.  I look to be understood.  It may be silly but searching for ways to feel less alone helps, even if that help comes in the form of a movie.

Then there was the disappointing ending…

“Look at us, running around. Always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race. But sometimes, it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic and you’re connected. Every once in a while, amid the randomness, something unexpected happens that pushes us all forward. And the truth is, what I’m starting to think, what I’m starting to feel, is that the human race, isn’t a race at all.”

I don’t know what else I was expecting because, of course, they had to end on a happily ever after.  They always do.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see the movie end on a positive note but the comfort I felt from the opening was suddenly yanked away.   Do things really slow down so everything can finally work out in our favor?  Does fate really step in and work its magic?  Some would give an irrefutable YES.  But what about the rest who are holding on to hope that is dwindling?

What is fate waiting for?


What Does it Feel Like to Be Happy?

23 Oct

I lie here and wonder what authentic happiness feels like.

Do you know?

What does it feel like to be truly happy without having despair or sadness lurking in the background?

A night out with friends, a fulfilling work day, or a laugh with a family member all instigate moments of happiness but when the moment is over so is the contentment.

Sure, I get happy when I hear good news but that kind of happiness fades.

When I decide to have a great day, the day turns out pretty well for the most part most of the time.

But there is something that bothers me about having to choose to be a certain way instead of just allowing the feeling or state of mind to wash over me without force. That must be why I detest hearing, “Choose or decide on being happy now.” Sometimes, I wonder if people really know what they are talking about or if they are just repeating some inane phrase to sound important.

I was in a perfectly good mood today and still “happy” from finding out I aced a difficult midterm. And all of a sudden without provocation I am hit with despondency. It snatched me from my “happy” state and engulfed me immediately.

Then, I was lost in a place called sorrow.

Every memory involving loss, suffering, and pain played in my head like a movie projected on a screen. I know these three all too well. All I wanted to forget and all I wanted to let go of suddenly had an unrelenting grip on my heart. I was breathing my agony in and out of me and I wanted to suffocate it but that would only smother me. There was nothing to do except sink into nothingness.

I am still here but I do want to know…

Disregarding the usual ups and downs in life, is sustained happiness a reality or even a possibility?

What does it feel like to be genuinely happy?


The Emotional Toll Involved in Pursuing One’s Dreams

30 Sep

While pursuing one’s dreams, the emotional toll involved can be too much at times. The degree of pain is severe for the dream chasers because they are deeply attached to the outcome longed for by their heart. The desire to have what they wish for is ingrained in their souls. The dreamer becomes one with the dream.

When great obstacles are encountered or catastrophe strikes, the heartache felt along the path plunges the dreamer into the darkest depths of despair. Disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness surround the soul so strongly which can paralyze the dreamer.

While in the dark, many outcomes are possible. In one scenario, the dreamer will find a way out and emerge stronger than before. In another, the dreamer may become disoriented and overwhelmed eventually giving up and retreating from the dream. And for the dreamer who is feeling weak and tired from being knocked down several times, this person may choose to sit in the darkness awhile pondering the self and what is, with the outcome being unknown.

All dreamers who run into the inevitable cloud of darkness need help in one form or another. Some dreamers get assistance from their inner resource of strength and others need a spark from an outside source to rekindle their spirit.

I am feeling weary. I need someone to help pull me through.


Amos Lee – Violin


H. Hassenbein

Note to Self: A Passionate Believer Experiences Extremes

4 Aug

I’m high on all that is good and everything is going great.  My thoughts are soaring in positivity and my emotions are soaked with bliss.  Consistent meditation has focused my mind and placed it in peace.  I am feeling happy and I believe all is well.  The joyful end result is inevitable.

With the flip of a switch, day becomes night and as the morning returns darkness meets me to begin the new day.

Furious feet stomp on the ground and clenched fists beat against the desk in a fit of rage.  There are feelings of sadness but the heat of anger draws up any presence of tears which turns into fuel for the fire.  Today, this me is screaming desires in the middle of the room presuming they were not clearly heard the first hundred times.  It’s time!  Frustrated.  Tired.  Enough.

Good enough is not good enough for me.  I am more than this.  This awareness inhabits me and at times haunts me.

Passion incites both states of being.  The intensity of my belief swings to the extremes.

If a day really makes a difference, then I hope tomorrow finds me in sunshine.



H. Hassenbein

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