Go Out and Find Your Own Happiness

26 Dec

Many people say that true happiness lies within but I do not think that statement is entirely accurate.  I have looked and looked and looked.  I have searched beneath the rubble of heartache, through the debris of despair, and down into the depths of my tears.  Happiness was nowhere to be found.

Whatever helped me to become happy, once upon a time, has since gone.  It has been gone so long that I do not recollect what it was.  It seems like happiness crept away in the middle of the night as I was dreaming away.

I kept torturing myself, even blaming myself, because I could not find my happiness.  All the experts say you cannot find happiness outside of yourself if at first you don’t have it within.  I think they say the same thing about love.  They say that about a lot of things.  I have come to think they say a lot of things because they know so little.  That’s what people do when they don’t know; they talk incessantly as to appear enlightened.  They talk not realizing that half of what they say makes little sense.  I believe it is more enlightened to say I don’t know.  At least that response is honest and embraces humility.

What are the qualifications to become an expert on happiness anyway?  Or even life?  Say someone learns something new, accepts it without question, and then speaks of it as the ultimate truth and encourages others to do the same.  Is that not senseless?  I feel there is too much generalizing of concepts going on in the self-improvement sphere.  The individual’s needs are getting lost.

I have concluded that their way is not the only way.  It may work for them and some others but it does not work for me.  And what is right for everyone else doesn’t necessarily make it right for me.  I must find my way by finding a path of my own.  The first thing I have decided it is to disregard the idea of a quintessential fairytale happy ending.  Instead, I have decided it is best to focus on a happy beginning.

As far as happiness is concerned, well, at this point I believe we go out and find what makes us happy.  We find the “thing” we are looking for and then it is no longer a “thing.”  It becomes an entity all its own which is filled with life.   We breathe love into it and what we find becomes a part of us.  Happiness then fills us up and resides within our hearts.

I am not an expert but I am an expert on me and this feels good to me.  So, I say venture outside yourself and find what makes you happy.  And when you find it, keep it close to your heart so happiness becomes you.  And then, happiness really will lie within you for as long as you allow it to stay or until it is time to move on.



3 Holiday Season Thoughts in Verse

25 Dec

Christmas has come with Hope in hand
Traipsing, gliding through the white wonderland
Everything is joyous, the world at its best
The season fades away and goodness is suppressed




Good riddance to the old

To hell with the new

We’re all going to die

In twenty – one – two




A year filled with darkness
Endless months of excruciating pain
The experiences of 2011
May you stay there and remain

2012 better be better
“Or else!” I exclaim to you
I’ll skyrocket to paradise
And strangle the shit out of you


Know Happiness Better

12 Dec

Perhaps one day – Before I’m old and grey –

I’ll see the sun – I’ll have finally won –

And it will indeed all be better


The Best I Can

18 Nov

The charming cobbled road makes for a stumbled trip

Looming shadows dance down the path

I climb up and come crashing down

I reach up high and lose my ground

I try to fly but gravity makes sure I’m always earthbound

Hills have been conquered yet many mountains still in sight

Straining. Struggling.




Fighting. Crying.




I’d like to believe hope and salvation are near

Bruised and broken doing the best I can


Happily Ever What?

8 Nov

The movie, The Switch, started with a perspective steeped in authenticity.

“Look at us, running around.  Always rushed, always late.  I guess that’s why they call it the human race.  What we crave most in this world is connection.  For some people it happens at first site.  It’s when you know you know.  It’s fate working its magic.  And that’s great for them.  They get to live in a pop song; ride the express train.  But that’s not the way it really works.  For the rest of us, it’s a bit less romantic.  It’s complicated.  It’s messy.  It’s about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities.  And not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it.  At least, that’s the way it was for me.”

It is a sentiment many people feel and can relate to.  The Rom-Com movie is okay but whenever watching a movie I find myself listening for the  inspirational tidbits that help bring comfort to my soul.  I look for a connection.  I look to be understood.  It may be silly but searching for ways to feel less alone helps, even if that help comes in the form of a movie.

Then there was the disappointing ending…

“Look at us, running around. Always rushed, always late. I guess that’s why they call it the human race. But sometimes, it slows down just enough for all the pieces to fall into place. Fate works its magic and you’re connected. Every once in a while, amid the randomness, something unexpected happens that pushes us all forward. And the truth is, what I’m starting to think, what I’m starting to feel, is that the human race, isn’t a race at all.”

I don’t know what else I was expecting because, of course, they had to end on a happily ever after.  They always do.  It’s not that I didn’t want to see the movie end on a positive note but the comfort I felt from the opening was suddenly yanked away.   Do things really slow down so everything can finally work out in our favor?  Does fate really step in and work its magic?  Some would give an irrefutable YES.  But what about the rest who are holding on to hope that is dwindling?

What is fate waiting for?


It’s All Coming Down

26 Oct

I gazed at the brightest star
Aimed my arrow high
Pulled back with all my might
Released all fears to the night


Left dangling on this star
Hope has fallen to the ground
When do I give up on this wish
How did I lose what I never found


Tired of the tears from waiting
Worn out from endless chasing
There is no other way around
I reluctantly let go…and fall down


What Does it Feel Like to Be Happy?

23 Oct

I lie here and wonder what authentic happiness feels like.

Do you know?

What does it feel like to be truly happy without having despair or sadness lurking in the background?

A night out with friends, a fulfilling work day, or a laugh with a family member all instigate moments of happiness but when the moment is over so is the contentment.

Sure, I get happy when I hear good news but that kind of happiness fades.

When I decide to have a great day, the day turns out pretty well for the most part most of the time.

But there is something that bothers me about having to choose to be a certain way instead of just allowing the feeling or state of mind to wash over me without force. That must be why I detest hearing, “Choose or decide on being happy now.” Sometimes, I wonder if people really know what they are talking about or if they are just repeating some inane phrase to sound important.

I was in a perfectly good mood today and still “happy” from finding out I aced a difficult midterm. And all of a sudden without provocation I am hit with despondency. It snatched me from my “happy” state and engulfed me immediately.

Then, I was lost in a place called sorrow.

Every memory involving loss, suffering, and pain played in my head like a movie projected on a screen. I know these three all too well. All I wanted to forget and all I wanted to let go of suddenly had an unrelenting grip on my heart. I was breathing my agony in and out of me and I wanted to suffocate it but that would only smother me. There was nothing to do except sink into nothingness.

I am still here but I do want to know…

Disregarding the usual ups and downs in life, is sustained happiness a reality or even a possibility?

What does it feel like to be genuinely happy?


The Emotional Toll Involved in Pursuing One’s Dreams

30 Sep

While pursuing one’s dreams, the emotional toll involved can be too much at times. The degree of pain is severe for the dream chasers because they are deeply attached to the outcome longed for by their heart. The desire to have what they wish for is ingrained in their souls. The dreamer becomes one with the dream.

When great obstacles are encountered or catastrophe strikes, the heartache felt along the path plunges the dreamer into the darkest depths of despair. Disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness surround the soul so strongly which can paralyze the dreamer.

While in the dark, many outcomes are possible. In one scenario, the dreamer will find a way out and emerge stronger than before. In another, the dreamer may become disoriented and overwhelmed eventually giving up and retreating from the dream. And for the dreamer who is feeling weak and tired from being knocked down several times, this person may choose to sit in the darkness awhile pondering the self and what is, with the outcome being unknown.

All dreamers who run into the inevitable cloud of darkness need help in one form or another. Some dreamers get assistance from their inner resource of strength and others need a spark from an outside source to rekindle their spirit.

I am feeling weary. I need someone to help pull me through.


Amos Lee – Violin


H. Hassenbein

Happiness Does Not Live Here

2 Sep

Happiness does not live here
It has been cast away
Too much pain and suffering
Too many cold rainy days

May the sun set forever
Hold down the rising moon
Blow out the shining stars
Let the heart sing its sad tune

Quiet the talk of bliss
Bite the helpful tongue
Silence the affirmations
Allow it all to come undone

Purpose continues to be uncertain
A reason to go on remains amiss
Peculiar comfort comes from knowing
Death is always waiting with a kiss



H. Hassenbein

The Conversation that Made the Believer Insane

22 Aug

Believer:  I have believed and stayed positive for a long time yet I still see none of my dreams coming to pass.  I am grateful for all that I have but I feel my life is going terribly wrong.  I am becoming depressed and feeling hopeless.  I need help.

Wise One:  Help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth.

Believer:  Yes, I know this but I need help right now.

Wise One:  There’s a reason for everything and everything has its divine time.

Believer:  I am aware of divine time however how does this help me right now?

Wise One:  Everything will be okay in the end.  If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

Believer:  What?

Wise One:  All is well.

Believer:  How can all be well when I just said it was not?  My patience is growing weary and…

Wise One:  Patience is the greatest of all virtues.

Believer:  …and I am tired of waiting.

Wise One:  For everything there is a season.

Believer:  And just how long is this season supposed to last?

Wise One:  All things come to him who waits.

Believer:  I have waited.

Wise One:  An attitude of gratitude will create blessings.

Believer:  I am grateful and express what I am grateful for every day.

Wise One:  You will reap what you sow.

Believer:  I have prayed.  I have meditated.  I have visualized.  I have kept my spirits high.  I have taken guided actions.  I have read the books and listened to the teachers.  I continue to do these things but I’m saying I’m losing my belief because after all these years I still see nothing.

Wise One:  You must believe it before you can see it.

Believer:  (Thinking: WTF!)  Are you listening to me?!?  I said I have believed and continue to believe but I am in a slump and need some advice on how to keep moving forward!

Wise One:  Live one day at a time.

Believer:  I do this anyway!  Everyone does!  How do you get through the day when you just feel like curling up in a ball and crying all day?!?

Wise One:  Think happy thoughts.

Believer:  Look, if you don’t know how to help me just say so!!

Wise One:  Love is the answer.

Believer:  Are you f@#&ing kidding me?!?  I need real practical help to get me through this time!!

Wise One:  Help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth.



H. Hassenbein


(Alternate Post Name: The Conversation that Turned the Believer Into an Atheist) 

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