Tag Archives: feeling sad

The Best I Can

18 Nov

The charming cobbled road makes for a stumbled trip

Looming shadows dance down the path

I climb up and come crashing down

I reach up high and lose my ground

I try to fly but gravity makes sure I’m always earthbound

Hills have been conquered yet many mountains still in sight

Straining. Struggling.

Up.

Up.

Up.

Fighting. Crying.

Fall.

Fall.

Fall.

I’d like to believe hope and salvation are near

Bruised and broken doing the best I can

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What Does it Feel Like to Be Happy?

23 Oct

I lie here and wonder what authentic happiness feels like.

Do you know?

What does it feel like to be truly happy without having despair or sadness lurking in the background?

A night out with friends, a fulfilling work day, or a laugh with a family member all instigate moments of happiness but when the moment is over so is the contentment.

Sure, I get happy when I hear good news but that kind of happiness fades.

When I decide to have a great day, the day turns out pretty well for the most part most of the time.

But there is something that bothers me about having to choose to be a certain way instead of just allowing the feeling or state of mind to wash over me without force. That must be why I detest hearing, “Choose or decide on being happy now.” Sometimes, I wonder if people really know what they are talking about or if they are just repeating some inane phrase to sound important.

I was in a perfectly good mood today and still “happy” from finding out I aced a difficult midterm. And all of a sudden without provocation I am hit with despondency. It snatched me from my “happy” state and engulfed me immediately.

Then, I was lost in a place called sorrow.

Every memory involving loss, suffering, and pain played in my head like a movie projected on a screen. I know these three all too well. All I wanted to forget and all I wanted to let go of suddenly had an unrelenting grip on my heart. I was breathing my agony in and out of me and I wanted to suffocate it but that would only smother me. There was nothing to do except sink into nothingness.

I am still here but I do want to know…

Disregarding the usual ups and downs in life, is sustained happiness a reality or even a possibility?

What does it feel like to be genuinely happy?

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Accountability for All I Am

14 Jul

No longer does the scapegoat roam the plane

The hand that moves the pieces is who I disdain

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My hopes, my dreams, my life, my glory

Have all been twisted into an unrecognizable story

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Movements made along this path

Erupted tears filled with an unyielding wrath

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The stillness found in the midnight hours

Gave rise to clarity lacked in a state of power

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Accepting all that is and forgiving all that I am

Going forward with awareness without feeling damned

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Previously incessant with accusations so quick to blame

I now see the other hand and mine are one in the same

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H. Hassenbein 

Who Takes Care of Superwoman When She Needs Someone?

26 May

I nurture and love.

I advise and guide.

I kiss away the aches and pains.

I lend my shoulders to others to cry on.

I carry the burden for others when their load is too much to bear.

I embrace those who need to feel safe.

I mediate and make it all better.

I listen to people’s problems and absorb their emotional pain.

I stand firm so I can be leaned on.

I am dependable and always here to help.

I juggle different roles to cater to everyone’e needs.

I give away hugs.

I give my support.

I give my time.

I give, give, and give.

I am strong for others because everyone needs a strong person in their lives.

And then, out of no place in particular, a sweet whisper says, “That is great.  But who is strong for you?”

I think for a moment and feel my heart sink a bit.  I meekly answer, “I don’t know.”

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H. Hassenbein

The Cure for Happiness

9 May

An affliction of the mind
Won’t let me be
The need to be happy
Has stricken me

I would rather endure
The heartache and tears
The kind of suffering and loss
That could go on for years

Joy and bliss
Gently pull at my heart
Leading me to believe
They won’t rip it apart

If I let happiness lift me up
And have its way
It will all just come crashing down
On another day

I’d rather stay down
And swim in my blues
Leave me alone
And do what you choose

The remedy is here
In this solitude space
The cure for happiness
Is a dark empty place

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H. Hassenbein

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